Wide eyed child

Why did you finish it? It stands alone. My hand feels shaky as I quickly scribble out another picture.

Right now the world seems so fresh, and I feel young, only its too young, I feel like a child. I keep remembering my mother, I wonder if she too felt like this, like a wide eyed child walking through the dark without really knowing what will happen because of a few of her careless words or actions, not knowing that a man with integrity will always bring that integrity into love and not relent even then. Integrity is so sharp, it hurts so much when one is sharpened by it, or when one is just blown away. Why didn’t I think that a hand held in the dark was worth the small amount of time lost for fullfilling ones dreams? Why didn’t I think that the sick may need me?

No, I walked head first into my scariest self, the one that is built on a mistaken idea of my hopes and dreams, and refuses to relent, even when there is no real threat of destruction, even when it hurts those who I love the most. That hurtful sensitive anger at not being able to get a book or that firm annoyingness at wanting to stay up late, even when there is so much at stake.

Why is my hoping and dreaming self tied so closely to another self, one that is scary, spoiled, selfish and mean? One that can’t see what really matters then, dream or love? Things or people? Fame or true friend?

Why was it so hard to see at once that I act in a way that’s spoiled selfish and mean?

I am made of bricks, my head is numb, I am going off the slide, into the abyss of the sandbox. Please wait for me, please don’t leave me behind.

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The heart of the tree and its soul

If you see the heart of the tree, you can see its soul.

Right now, I feel like a liquified drop of coldness, so lost in nothing

In being nothing in knowing I am nothing, to the ones I love, in knowing there is someone else in the place where they are in my heart, in their heart,

I know it was because of the others, to forget and impress the others that they love, that I am here in the first place.

If my heart was not so wrapped in coldness, I would break and burn again and again.

There is nothing but devastation in my future and my past and its so cold here.

define good

I guess a cultural expectation that surprised me was that be alone is somehow strange.

People are complicated. That should have been obvious given how many times its said to us over the years. Except I never really understood, due to the bubble I live in. The people who annoy me the most are those who refuse to accept that everyone will have a unique perspective of things, even the deepest sacred things, and expect everyone to think like them, and their narrow group-herd-mentality. Stifling and oppressive! They are usually the harshest in condemning those who think differently from them on issues that usually have freedom attached, and do not involve the basic rights of a person, and thus do not deserve such narrow rigidity. They are usually those who claim to be lone voices in solitude against an advancing,  entirely untrustworthy, immoral, in all the smallest of ways, army of the humans of this world. They are the scariest, the ones you most want to run away from and avoid. Because they will only approve of you, if you ever get their approval (shudder), until they get to know you more.

I guess the complexity lies for me in those exceptional people, perhaps among your uni classmates, perhaps among those you meet later or earlier,  who have huge kind sides of them, and yet they say that one sentence, that one word, have that one expectation that for them is unquestionable, and for you is not. It leaves you confused and you realize its a lack of experience on their side, that they never expected that their mixture of kindness, and pressure of expectations would be autocratic, so, so autocratic, and they don’t know what people can be like. To them either a person is bad, or is good and nothing in between.

please define good. please define goodness. please define good. please define goodness and good.

you cannot.

 

 

Just because I am a girl

Until today, I felt I was one person, and after today I feel I will be another, and I feel that every day. Why have I become so strong and nothing else? Why am I so defensive and insistent of my truth? And yet its beyond my control in so many ways. Its sometimes an entirely outside force that drives me. I hate that person who acts all superior to you and your family, in every way just because that is their personal private opinion- that they are the best example and no one else. That is arrogance. A better way would have been to say that “I follow someone about whom there is enough valid evidence to be the best of examples- and that is who I am, and it is your freedom to choose”. But if that example is yourself-and you act without any true teacher or guide- or feeling the need for one- than its just arrogance and it spirals into a lack of self awareness and reflection, a lack of trying to be a better person on any level, especially in your heart. What exactly did that person do to me or anyone else, that I should consider that person the best of examples? A person who never bothered to come in the most difficult of times for those they claimed to love.

A person who talks a lot about religion and morality and spirituality but has little knowledge and fails to put it into practice to a justified level- which is all right, that person’s choice, until that person has the horrible audacity to judge me and my loved ones by their flawed understanding, has the horrible audacity to preach and consider themselves so great without enough knowledge, without enough humbleness or bothering to go to all the difficult, high, yet beautiful lengths in action and practice that a truly knowledgeable person would go to before ever daring to preach. If that person had gone to those lengths, never would that person have been so quick to judge, nor would that person have been so arrogant “my path is better than yours” nor would she have failed to recognize the truth in others, who never ever hurt or disrespected her. In this day and age, for those who claim to be educated with their certificates, certain ignorance(s) are no longer excusable. Like no such person can use their ignorance to defend their discrimination against me, just because I am a girl.

Just because I am a girl, I am erased and not believed. Just because I am a girl, my family is erased and denigrated and discriminated and insulted. Just because I am a girl my views or automatically considered questionable- even my life’s experience is erased and narrowed by those who have much less experience in that area. Just because I am a girl, I am expected to give up on all that I believe in and love and blindly follow the aforementioned arrogant ones. Just because I am me, I am expected to stop being me.

If you treat me like a liar, and a loser , and an immoral person, no different from others not morally, not character-wise in anyway, except by certain material privileges I have been blessed with (but don’t make me better than anyone) if you act like I am wrong, when I have never done that to you, or if you act like I am a mistake, a doomed person, a failure, or say I hurt you when I never did, or that I should listen to you blindly out of gratitude for a favor I never asked you to do, or treat me like your actions were a huge favor to me, and that I am in fact no one at all, not in the past present or future, except by the material advantage I bring, than believe me I will be hurt, afraid and scared to be around you. And I will be angry and OUTRAGED.

 

all of us antisocial crazy fools

Everyone will face discrimination and denigration. But some of what you will face it for is sometimes in your control- and its better to face discrimination and denigration for something that’s noble, honorable and worth it than something that’s not. It’s better to side with the poor and the suffering, and to never detach oneself from them fully, whether it’s in your personal life choices, or in your words actions towards others, and even if that’s not possible for you, don’t go around hurting those who do try. Your heart will always matter more to me and all of us antisocial crazy fools who have little claim of popularity or acceptance in this boring materialistic-money-matters-only-and-nothing-else world.

I

I

Upon reflection there are probably some hidden reasons as to why, but for now

I

Will behave with dignity and heroism and not act out, not react with words or actions there’s something wrong only its beyond my comprehension and

I

Don’t understand and I don’t know what it is that has come into your eyes when you look  or in your voice when you speak and I realize that even my sadness seems not to be

I

Am sorry

I

Am sorry that I failed to be the one who has lived up to your expectations and I am sorry you are not cheerful or joyful in my presence and I am sorry that I do not make you happy now I am sorry that I seem like a mood box with too many unsaid words in my face I am sorry

I

Woman of fire

Here are all those things I wished I could have said but I couldn’t and I can’t because its nasty or too nice,

Like how

You’re my friend and I’ve known you since forever but you’ve got a thing about the things you do, like art, where you are into the feel of it all but fail to go through the process- the ugly boring mind shearing process that has no poetry in it, just you and a medium; you like reading, except you never read, and love writing but without the words of others on your mind… all this is more fun to you than a expression of yourself without which your soul dies.. you love wise words but its always someone elses and your own lacks power because of your vantage point- so high off the ground you no longer know a thing about the poorer people you claim to champion, you talk about dreams but never take that step to fulfill them, its always later- when I go to uni, when I graduate, when I go back, when I work.. at least you ain’t pretentious about it but hell I wish you hadn’t given so much of your soul to that which could never feed it or let it be content.

Hey you may be a classmate from way back, and I guess I stopped talking to you cuz I felt not unwelcome but unnoticed and unseen… you live on the bright side with your self on exposure, and its like that’s all there is to you to me only that’s me being sickening and judgemental, its like the world is yours, but you are empty inside, searching perhaps for something more than just that… Hey You!

When I think of what you must think of me, I hope you think me frumpy, and messy and a little too out there with all my opinions and arguments, and a little too unaware of myself. Because that’s how I see me.

And my heartbreaks too just like yours does.

I feel sad at all that I gave you, my entire slavering soul, and yet you turned me off and away and treated me like a wall. Made of bricks with no feelings.

Made of clay.

You talked too much, a non- stop steady rumble that seemed so cool to everyone else but was so damn annoying when you grew up and your talking grew exponentially.

It hurt when you didn’t see all of which I was and didn’t have the capacity to do that and didn’t bother to try until it was pointed out to you and it took you by surprise… there’s no way you can walk without taking baby steps and somehow that idea failed you, dreams failed you…

“My dream is to have a job, any job and be successful in it.”

Perhaps it was that you’d died long ago, when you were a child. That is a life process, but only a sad soul would call that a dream.

Perhaps, what annoys me the most is how you have to be all cute and pleasing in every which way, in your words and behavior and actions as well as your looks to ever be liked, for what you do to ever be liked…

To hell with that. I have always been a woman of fire.