Portrait of Scat: Morning

IMG_20160304_183232

The bells are ringing, dust is falling, rose petals rain down on the town square…

The rest of 2010

can’t feel anything-like a wall- ouch-OUCH-stop that- ALL her fault- can’t think- can’t be myself- ARGH!-like i’ve been sucked dry mentally- feel so- defeated- ARGH- like i don’t matter- only Scat does cuz shes the only real person here- she always made me feel like that- only her problems matter, only her friends matter, only her life, and all the things that are wonderful to me, don’t – argh stop that! acts aggressive and nit-picky.- OH its all-all
walk out of Scat’s life, don’t force her to control you anymore.

IMG_20160227_194420

IMG_20160227_194402

A lot of ppl stopped talking to me, and unfriended me on fbk. It hurt, cuz obviously they only looked at Scat’s side of the story, ie. “H***** has walked out of my life and she’s not telling me why.” Obviously, they didn’t bother asking me anything, obviously they thought I was being mean. It got really lonely.
“Why do you always look so sad when you are alone, H*****? You look amazing when you are with your friends, but alone- you walk with your head bowed down and your shoulders all slouched..” Za’s warm brown eyes said a lot more than just her words. Erm cuz I am sad. When I am with friends all my robotically planned extrovertish fakery kicks in. Thanks for askin’, except I couldn’t tell you all that.
Scat seemed upset for a while, but then she just accepted it. I may have walked away, but she did let me too. Even if I desperately wanted to be free of that life, I was also desperately hoping that she’d talk, ask me if everything was okay, and so on. SO CONFUSING. But she didn’t. I kept remembering her words “I’m scared of getting involved, H*****”, which was the reason she always gave for not standing up to the bullying in our past, or for friends.

Blame: Scat-80%, Myself-10%, Everyone else-10%.

One of Scat’s friends fell ill with pneumonia, and had to be hospitalized. That year was awful for him, as he had to give up on studying at our uni, and go back to his country, a warm island nation in South Asia. Scat and Scat’s parents helped to cover the huge cost of it all.

“H*****, I know you are annoyed with Scat, but did you know she really had a terrible childhood? What kind of extended family tells a child that she is born not smart, not talented and ugly, and can never be anything else?”-RN.

2011

My weird fake extrovertishness would burst out in weird ways. Made a lot of friends who wouldn’t last, and I knew they wouldn’t last, and they knew that too. It was really very lonely. for all of us.
I would be extra-kind, extra-generous-extra helpful-extra-friendly- to the point of being annoying, fake and insincere- without realizing it- in the way that people who are trying to rid themselves of fakeness and untrue-ness to themselves are. It got me into a few rather embarrassing situations. Like Helps random dude in Lab 1 with his group experiment. Random dude thinks H***** is flirting and likes him. Or H*****spills her guts out to a random girl, who she never speaks to again (and incidentally pointedly ignores her. Actually that is mutual.)
And H***** has fun talking about why people commit suicide with Scat. Scats reaction “Why would anyone do something so DUMB.” Classic scat.

Blame: Scat- 60%, H*****-35%, Everyone else-5%. Regret: 0%

Scat’s a single child, and she was an incredible daughter to her parents. I have never met someone so sacrificing- she wouldn’t even have hobbies like collecting candles, or embroidery because she was scared of the costs. Even clothes- they looked fancy and flouncy, but were old, and carefully kept. She wouldn’t even do those random acts of small disobedience that the rest of us would do like go out to places that our parents wouldn’t want us to, or do random sh*t, growing up.

2012

The hall was lit with yellow overhanging lights. It was refreshingly air-conditioned, and everyone was wearing heels and suits. Heady and dizzying, excitement! was spelled out in everything. tens of perfumes, all the jewellery that would fit, lots of cameras and even a few shades against the glare. Our glare. We made it together. Actually, it was just reflected glory for me. It was my best friend’s, RN’s, final year project presentation. Really the end of hell.
“So, RN, is scat coming? You know, I feel bad about the stuff that happened. I don’t know how to talk to Scat about it though. I kind of I don’t know, do wish things were different..”
“Oh do talk to Scat, I’m sure she wouldn’t mind. I know she can be selfish and unhelpful, but so can I”-“No RN, not you, never you”-“well I can be those things. Everyone can really..I mean you both are my best friends, and I really want you to get along… If Scat feels she is unwanted, she usually stays away…”
Scat came too, and it was really fun, just like old times. And RN’s a great judge of people.

Blame: Scat-40%, H*****-60%. Regrets: 15%

One of the nicest things that Scat did was being really nice to Leena, who was quiet.

2013

Was I wrong? Had I been wrong?
Even though years had passed, I wasn’t truly free of all the fakeness.
It put a filter before my eyes. It distorted all of my reality. What if I’d seen the worst side of Scat cuz i’d made myself do so? What if all I could see was a nasty distorted version of scat, with all her worst flaws exaggerated, and all her good sides diminished? WHAT IF… she was actually a really complex person? And I’d missed out entirely on all the great sides of her cuz I was too dark and fake and full of blame? I’d been nasty too.
Sometimes vipers are passionate and beautiful, sometimes they make you wonder at the ways of nature. Sometimes nature is tricky and deceiving. No that’s not it. Sometimes nature is subtle, and it takes wisdom to see that that viper was not a viper, but a tiny piece of fabric from a beautiful girl sitting with her skirt around her in an enchanted forest.

Blame: Scat- 0%, H*****-100%. Regret: lots of regret.

When Scat helped anyone, she went all the way, and got her family, and sometimes even neighbours, aunties and uncles, and distant friends involved. Whether it was calling companies with RN to find RN an internship, or tutoring an A-level kid to ace his math, she really was there.

2014

IMG_20160305_161755

Blame: Scat-responsible for her own actions, H*****-responsible for her own actions.

Did you know that Scat has the most incredible smile?
IMG_20160305_163730

I’m coming home, the throne room is dark, I see your shadow, my King, have you been waiting?  I shake my petals off, my head is bowed, oh I’m coming home. Mom Dad, are you there?

*Inspired by a Warcraft intro.

~END OF PART 5~

*all names and some parts are fiction

IMG_20160304_183326

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Advertisements

About theshadowsofthenight

An amateur writer and amateur artist :)
This entry was posted in Portraits of...., Uncategorized and tagged , , , , , , , , . Bookmark the permalink.

Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in:

WordPress.com Logo

You are commenting using your WordPress.com account. Log Out /  Change )

Google photo

You are commenting using your Google account. Log Out /  Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out /  Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out /  Change )

Connecting to %s